Go on. Look at me. Look at my eyes. I'll kill you. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and my eyes get bigger and bigger. And I'm like a tiger. I like tigers. Rrrrah!

- If...

From The Testament of Dr. Mabuse, 1933

night dream about person far away, sometimes the subconscious just wins.

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your singing into the phone

& calling me ridiculous

but I still want to reach you

& and smother you with looks

& all the nightime round contemplation

I want to linger on your neck

& touch your chest

& nightime will hold me

this is the way you say everything

remark on passing cars

or comment on the price of drinks

with disgust in your time

& I

wrapping the cord around my fingers

listening to you hating me

to swoon.

it is a pity more people can't experience your thoughts. just you and you probably waste them.

i am currently circling the moon. no need for anything else thank you.

(i gritted my teeth. I didn't really mean it. I Really didn't mean it. I just wanted to see your face contort with fear. Sorry.)

Listening to: Only in Dreams by Weezer- back to the times when i thought I knew what complicated and affection meant

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please leave me be, Gary Gilmore.

please also see: pumpkin seeds by devendra banhart

"She was an ugly and mean-spirited kid, but she knew how to play upon my weaknesses,

which, I admit, are deep and many." - Henry Fool

i feel bittersweet doom around stiff corners.

it's springtime.

my brain is all boozemelt and affection.

see Dirty Cartoons by Menomena

I will start making better decisions, tomorrow.

Tonight I will watch video clips about cults and compounds, in an attempt to escape my own lack of perspective.

I am such a hypocrite.

In a atypical attempt at optimism,

a list of things that are good:

1. A family full of strong matriarchs - and in particular my Mother who will listen to rants,

most unreasonable

2. Mubarak stepping down, finally

3. Moving to a new place where I have no history

What do I say if I am not complaining?

"He thought each memory recalled must do some violence to its origins.

As in a party game. Say the words and pass it on. So be sparing.

What you alter in the remembering has yet a reality, known or not.

- The Road

Henry Darger

I want to be a Vivian Girl.

oh terrible place.

have decided that everyone dislikes me because it is better than thinking that life moves on without me. it is working. so is gin gin gin.

I am not a regular anywhere anymore (and therefore am comprising compromising lists):

Violet - Hole

Atlantis - Donovan

Here Comes a Regular - The Replacements

Really would like to escape, please.

see Fast Car as performed by Xiu Xiu

Cannot sleep. Completely fixated on ridiculous assumptions that I am making about history. Panic has struck though me that I have made a perilous decision standing at my bookcase. Why didn't I try all the million times? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF I need to sleep but I am thinking of person who I have not seen in so long....and am unlikely to ever see again.....regret is a horrible thing in the early morning when one should be sleeping. F.f.Ff.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.f.ff.f.f.f.f.f.f.f

Clearly I have gone mad.

I imagined your face made out of breakfast food, with eggs over easy for eyes and bacon for a mouth (and I wanted to eat you up).

It may not be productive to pine for things that never happened, but neither are the things that are really happening. Fantasy is the loveliest place to leave the mind.

see:

We Got to Get Out of This Place by Eric Burdon & the Animals

With a Girl Like You by the Troggs

Then He Kissed Me by the Crystals

"Going Garbo", if only so I can say the phrase.

I love abandoned buildings and breakfast, we all understand eachother. I should probably not try and discuss the politics of the Middle East after four drinks, I should stick to television and charming stories.

Suspicion - Terry Stafford

so wonderful, stuck in my head and I am grateful. It is everything else in my head that I would like to do away with....

willfully distraught.

am recluse again. using books as coasters. diligently speaking to mirror.

I am close to some type of break, whether it be descent or incline has yet to be decided.

having feelings but one's that are not useful. just terribly distracting and cause me to well with regret.

memories of things that most likely didn't happen the way i remember them but still make me swoon:

peach, plum, pear - joanna newsom

moving - kate bush

it was a wonderful musical affair....

Not sleeping, listening to swan lake.

Will imagine that it is raining and I have something that I am fixated on.

Please something, happen soon.